I was rejected today.

It was a tough one.

It started as a what-if one, not mattering too much. But then random coincidences began to make me think that it might happen, it just might, otherwise why the signs showing themselves only to me (and decipherable only by me, which is the way of such coincidental signs)?

And in this way I got my hopes up.

My hopes can be very slutty. They get excited about anything. Someone bats an eye in their direction and they go all rubbery and start planning the wedding.

I should have known that the final “sign” in the list of signs was the hopes going up.

From my experience, which is all I really have to go on because in this life as it stands I haven’t been able to try another person’s body/life/hope/dreams to see how that feels, my hopes going up always ends the exact same way.

Utter disappointment.

Always.

The good things come when I don’t expect them to come. Case in point: E. I met him when I was too young to know how lucky I was. Another case in point: the things I got were always things I’d stopped hoping for, because I thought I wouldn’t get them.

Hope = utter disappointment.

I need to remember that for next time.

So I was rejected today.

The day was ruined when it happened.

Before rejection: writing freelance project, making good progress.

After rejection: waterworks.

Ugh, what is wrong with me? I can’t help it.

No more writing can be done on a rejection day. The sun stops shining, the rainbows go gray, the birds flop into the sewers, the chocolate is stale, you get the idea.

I am in recovery now.

So I have to add a space between every thought.

Because I feel like that.

Broken up.

With space in between.

Can you see what a big deal I am making of this? When really it changes nothing? Because I am almost done with all this hack-work and I can start a new novel and maybe the new novel will be “the one” like E was the one and in the moment I first saw him I was too young to know it?

I look back on meeting E and I have such wisdom.

Will I have wisdom about this someday?

Will it make sense?

The No. And the No. And the Maybe, Oh never mind No. And the NO NO NO. And the NEVER. And the you’re-so-very-talented-but-I-don’t-care-enough-to-help-you No so it sounds empty like all the other Nos?

Will they make sense someday, maybe?

I want to settle down.

I want to know that I am doing this for a reason.

Because that’s what I feel.

But I also felt a yes and I was wrong, so my feelings can’t be trusted.

There’s nothing else I want to do.

Have a career? No. Start a family? No. Teach English in Thailand? Sounds cool but no. Join the circus? No. Be a rock star? No. Be a good person? Obviously I’m too selfish. Do a crossword puzzle. No, I don’t even like doing that!

I am so one-note.

If only I didn’t give up photography after college. Maybe then I’d have another art outlet for the times when I am stomped on as a writer.

I could learn to surf… No, I’m a klutz, and I can’t really swim. Plus I burn in the sun. I could, oh, give up and be a regular person. Sounds fun. Is this the sign that says it’s time to do that?

Stop it.

Fact is

there were no signs

there was nothing

really

just my own head

making things up

as per usual.

Tomorrow is another day. I will not be rejected tomorrow. I will not. I will not. I will not. (And if I am, E, you have permission to hide this one.)