Bad Movie

We saw a terrible movie last night. It was so bad that about 9 minutes in, there were the silent looks between E and me—this is awful, isn’t it? should I be the first one to say it?—and then soon after, and I don’t remember who said it first, we were outright bad-mouthing it, with me calling out to the screen HOW COULD DIALOGUE THIS STUPID BE SPOKEN? We wondered did the actors know it would be this bad? and we felt sorry for them and the director couldn’t be serious and… oh my god he is.

Don’t worry, this took place in our living room. It wasn’t like I was writhing in agony at the Angelika.

The movie was so bad, we stopped the DVD before it finished. We never do that. We once saw a terrifically abysmal movie in the theater and restrained ourselves the entire time from walking out—we are just very dedicated to seeing things through. So we hit Stop. And we took a moment, and were talking about some random other things when—NO!—we realized the movie was still going. The DVD had started playing again without our having touched it! The movie would not let us let it end!

So, since physically removing the DVD from the player would have involved getting up, we stayed put. And the movie droned on. And the room was dark, and there was nothing else to look at, and so I watched the rest. Or tried to.

E said we could give the director a chance to redeem himself.

He didn’t redeem himself.

There were moments where I had the couch pillows over my head. There were moments where I went: Nooooooooooooooooo. There were moments where I had to turn to face the wall.

Am I exaggerating? Maybe. Did I give it one star for “hated it” on Netflix so they wouldn’t ever recommend anything remotely like it to me again? Yes. Do you want to know what the movie is? Well, I just linked to it up above and then felt guilty about it and removed the link. Rotten Tomatoes says that 24% of critics and 65% of users actually enjoyed this movie.

Someday, someone will make movies perfectly suited to me. They will be well-written, with surprising turns of phrase and moments of silence when silence would be better even than talking. They will look gorgeous. They will be acted with subtlety. They will shock, and move, and rearrange the way I think forever. E: I am looking forward to it. I will not turn to face the wall when your movies are on.

7 Comments

  1. Oh yes, THAT movie. I had the dubious pleasure of watching that in the theater with a friend of mine. Both he and I agreed that M Night Shaylaman was off his rockers, and that success had (finally) gotten to his head.

  2. “I will not turn to face the wall when your movies are on.”

    Nobody puts Nova in the corner!

  3. i love the way he senses the iceburg looming on the horizon: “It’s really important that anyone who watches this views it as a bedtime story for a child, so if they can’t put themselves into that childish mindset, I feel really sorry for them because obviously they are missing the joy and wonder of my movie… by the way, did you notice what I think of critics? Cuz of the Bob Balaban character? Oh! And did you notice that I was making a grand literary reference to Uriah Heep? And also did you notice that I CAST MYSELF AS THE SAVIOR OF HUMANITY?”

    I know all this without having seen the fucking thing, the same way I knew how the last one ended from watching the trailer once while drunk: Because M. Night deserves a boot party more than any other filmmaker alive… INCLUDING UWE BOLL.

  4. Before I got to the comments section, Lady in the Water floated (heh) across my mind. And I haven’t even SEEN the movie. Just read the lengthy spoiler at the movie spoiler, which resulted in a huge double u-tee-eff moment for me.

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