Spam, in the form of an auto commercial

“Maryland Hyundai Car Dealer” has added a comment to this blog to ask me:

What do you think of the new Hyundai Sonata?

To be honest, Maryland Hyundai Car Dealer, I had thought nothing of it. I don’t even know what it looks like. In addition, I live in New York City, have no use for a car, and have never learned to drive. But I’ll tell you this: some of the happiest moments in my life have occurred inside a car made by Hyundai. The car was red; the boy is now my husband. Need I say more?

Oh, Maryland Hyundai Car Dealer, I can sense already that you’d like to know details. You want to know how I came to be inside your red car, how many miles we crossed in it, what we said to each other over the passing roads. You want to know our secrets. You want to know how far back I reclined my seat.

I’ll tell you that we once lost a tire—I think it was a tire—at least, it was a piece of your car, something important that fell off somewhere along Route 80. This was in the dead of winter, at night. We stood beside your car, shivering in the cold, hoping someone would come by and pick us up. Maryland Hyundai Car Dealer, this was when most people did not have cell phones, this was when we were young, when everything we owned was piled up in your trunk and on your seats. We were saved by a drunk man in a pickup truck. We knew he was drunk because he swerved, and slurred, and threw his empties out the window—we ducked. I think he may have laughed at your car, its pathetic little shape parked crooked on the shoulder of the highway. But he took us where he was headed anyway—the bar—and, there, we called for help.

And, Maryland Hyundai Car Dealer, do you know we’ve even driven your red car through your very own state? This is true—it was also winter then, we had come to visit friends who lived off the Beltway. I wonder, were you nearby? Did you see us in passing, on our way in, or out? Did you know that when we tried to leave we locked the keys inside and I can’t now, for the life of me, recall how we ever got them out?

But, Maryland Hyundai Car Dealer, you wrote to ask what I think of the new Hyundai Sonata. What I think is that I might like to borrow it, for an afternoon, if it comes in red. I can’t help but wonder if the engine stalls out in the rain, as the car I remember did, if the right side rattles, if it will one day end up as scrap. But more importantly, what do you think of the new Hyundai Sonata? You seem insecure. Don’t worry: it is quite possible to be happy in a Hyundai. You could drive through the night to see your girlfriend on the Fourth of July solely because you miss her. You could crawl your way over mountains—anything is possible. You could even fall in love.

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13 responses to “Spam, in the form of an auto commercial”

  1. Send this letter and see what kind of form response you get! You know, this could become a story, or this format could be the germ of a story, where a new section/snippet/confession is started off by another lame question from the auto dealer, or other dealers: What do you think of the new Hyundai Sonata? How do you rate our service? What do you enjoy about the roadside Quik-E-Mart? What do you not enjoy? How can we improve our service?

    Anyway, thought this was sexy and poignant.


  2. Not only is this some serious pwnage on your part, it is also some amazing writing–two of my most favourite things ever so you can imagine that: I. Love. This. Entry. Fantastic, fantastic, fantastic. I wish wordpress had a memories feature, or faves feature or something!!


  3. Hilarious and entertaining! Thanks!

    You know, I cannot help but think that you really enjoyed writing that. And had a smirk the whole time (I’m just imagining).

    And that made reading it even more enjoyable.


  4. Thanks, everyone! I did have fun writing it 😉

    Speaking of people today, they’re sending out the strangest spam. I wonder what kind of response is expected?


  5. This was a fantastic post!

    There are a few online publications that would take work like this. See Yankee Pot Roast, Opium, Word Riot etc. Or search Duotrope for flash fiction publications. Maybe you could find this piece a second home.

    Anyway, thought I’d let you know I liked it.


  6. Nice one, Nova. The spam today is amazing, and I’m having real difficulty separating some of the spam comments from regular comments that have come from people with second language interference, or who don’t write English well.

    I took my Subaru to the shop about two years ago and was given a Hyundai as a rental. Although the car was small, it drove like a tank. I guess I should say that I view tank-like performance unfavorably, since I’m sure that there are many SUV drivers who might take a different view. To them, I recommend the Hyundai: Drives like a Tank, with the mileage and parking profile of a small car.


  7. H.E.Eigler, Thank you! All this feedback is definitely getting me thinking about turning this into a little short-short story, and all because of a spam message! So cool.

    Nikelbee, thanks—and it does feel that way sometimes.

    Caveblogem, I hear you! Who is sending these things, and WHY? I truly often don’t get it—they seem so real sometimes, like pleas for help. So weird. And I love that, “Hyundai: Drives Like a Tank.” Perfect.

    And Yojo… I don’t remember seeing much of a town, just a bar and dark roads and trees. Sound familiar?


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