Stuck

I don’t need to do any soul-searching to realize that I’m bored with the turn my life has taken. When the world slows, when the deadlines are met, when there is time to breathe… that’s when I come to face it. There I am, numb in the brain. I cannot stand to do this with my days any longer. I’m standing here before the dressing-room mirror with a dress I really don’t even like stuck over my head. No matter how I twist or turn I can’t get it off. Which has happened to me—more than once.

But that situation doesn’t fully express my boredom. What’s boring is standing in line at the post office. I have been standing in line at the post office for almost four years.

I want a change.

I want a shot at something new.

I want a challenge.

I got a call on my cell phone yesterday from a number I didn’t recognize. Someone was with me at the time, so I couldn’t pick up. All I heard was the song I’ve set to play when a call comes in from an unknown ID: the carnival music from City of Lost Children. I hit silent on the phone to not interrupt my conversation, and I waited. Only when I was alone could I check my voicemail to see who called. But in the minutes that passed, I felt an itch of excitement, a jolt of nerves, the good kind. That phone call could be a chance at something new. Yes, yes, it had to be. No one ever called my phone. I waited until I was alone and then I went to check the voicemail.

Nothing.

No message.

No news.

The phone call was a hang-up, from a 718 number. Any call I’d be expecting (hoping for) would not come from a 718 number. Still, I did reverse lookup to see who had called. It was a woman named Maria C— from the Bronx. Clearly, a wrong number.

That’s my problem: I feel like I’m waiting for something, I’m just not sure what. I’ve got to yank this dress off my head, then I’ll be able to see clearly and know what to do next. I could use a little help this time, I think.

For now, lunchtime is over. I have to shut down my computer and go back upstairs to work.

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7 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. Adam MorganSmith March 27, 2007 / 2:32 pm

    I feel exactly the same way so often. When I see a number I dont’ recognize on my cell I’m always hoping that it’s an opportunity coming my way. I wedding to photograph, an amazing job, something. It’s always a wrong number. I know that being “proactive” is one of the habits of successful people, but I don’t know how to be proactive about what I want. I’m also scared to be proactive about what I want.

  2. courtney March 27, 2007 / 4:36 pm

    I feel like I’m in waiting too, the problem is thinking up what to do about it and I’m always determined to think the alternatives are worse than the waiting itself. Here’s to figuring it out. & ever since I started this writing and submitting thing, our unknown long-distance calls have increased ten fold and they are always, always telemarketers (grr). I’m starting to remember area codes just to save me the trouble of getting excited.

  3. goodthomas March 28, 2007 / 9:18 am

    Ah, yes, waiting. This is, of course, such a universal obstacle. I like the idea of pausing as you are in mid-dressing, the dress coming over your head. I like that hesitation there. It is a beautiful pause.

    Perhaps Maria wasn’t a wrong number. Maybe she will pop up again.

  4. Naughty Heather March 28, 2007 / 12:34 pm

    Nova, I am worried about you. Email me if you need to chat.

  5. nova March 29, 2007 / 7:18 am

    I am ok, really. I am trying to move ahead with little things, one little thing at a time. Like last night I started a two-week trial at the gym.

  6. w March 29, 2007 / 10:50 am

    Oh, the gym will do wonders. It’ll exhaust you so much you won’t have time to think about what needs to get done, you just wind up getting them done, and more. (This coming from the dork who’s been to the gym only twice so far this year…)

  7. é March 31, 2007 / 10:18 am

    I know a circus that is hiring…no really….

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