No More Frank?

I may have mentioned, in passing, the old woman in an adjacent apartment building who, for the past four years or more, yells into the airshaft for Frank. I may also have mentioned that I do not believe in Frank. There is no Frank. It’s not like I ever heard him answer!

I did not believe Frank existed… Until today. You see, “Frank” has become “Ron.”

E was kind enough to transcribe the following screamed conversation and email it to me while I was at work this morning:

the old woman who used to yell “frank” out the window just yelled for “ron.” and this time, there was an answer.

woman: ron! are you there? … ron? i need to talk to you.
ron: what do you want?
woman: i need to talk to you.
ron: i’m busy. what do you need.
woman: i can’t walk.
woman: i need two things out of that apartment.
ron: what apartment?
woman: the one you’re going to empty out.
ron: what do you need?
woman: i need the toilet seat and the two knobs from the bathroom sink.
ron: ok.
woman: thank you.

E’s theory: i think that the old woman is the landlord and ron is her new super. i wonder what happened to frank.

My theory: The old woman just wants a new toilet seat.


8 responses to “No More Frank?”

  1. Perhaps she was originally yelling at Frank for unscrewing the knobs and absconding with her toilet seat. Being immoble, once she (somehow) makes it to the toilet and then wants to wash her hands, the yelling would start. You know- Frank could have been in the other room the whole time. How was she to know.

    Once she caught up with Frank, she asked him about the missing stuff. He shrugged, looked innocent, and said “Hey, I dunno. Talk to the Super.”

  2. Ron is the son, or grandson. Frank was either the husband, or son. frank NEVER answered mama, because she always was yapping and he could never get a second to himself. Ron is a softer touch then Frank. Everyone wants a new toilet seat, I am no better, and neither is Frank or Ron.

  3. Okay. Here’s what I think: I am sorry to say that Frank has died (possibly after being bedridden and being driven crazy by the old woman who was constantly calling his name)and now all she can think of is that she wants his toilet seat and the knobs from his sink, from the super who is cleaning out his apartment.

  4. i wanted to yell:

    Hey, neighbor! You shit for brains, man. You forgot I have a police radio. One well-dressed fuckin’ man knows where your fuckin’ cute little butt’s hidin’, huh. You stupid fuck. Fuck with me, man. Here I come! Ready or not! You fuck.


    Now it’s dark…

  5. My first thought was that Ron is the Super, and Frank probably was before him. But maybe the old lady is not the landlady. Probably she is just a difficult tenant.

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