Where I Am When Summer Ends

I am about to have a cavity drilled. I am behind in my deadlines. I am settled, pretty much, in my new job. I am on the verge of writing something real. I am reading two magazines and four books, which has meant just carrying one of each around with me since I don’t have time really to read any except on the subway. I am enjoying the subway, though maybe I shouldn’t admit that. I am expanding—physically, mentally, as is the shelf where I keep my papers of things that need attention, things I need to take of, things I really want to do, each day more than the last. I am exploring my options. I am peeking at new cities. I am considering leaving a city altogether and what that might be like. (I don’t know if I could hack it.) I am wondering what I should do with myself, just like I was all summer, it’s almost fall now and I am wondering still.

I have always loved the fall. It’s when school starts (I wish I were still in school; I love school); it’s when the weather cools (or is supposed to); it’s when I met E.

The cavity is one from my childhood. It’s falling out and must be replaced. I always thought cavities were forever, but nothing is forever, and I should have learned that by now. Fall brings change. It brings new fillings, new challenges, a new outlook on life?

Ideas are cascading over me, but we all know that’s not enough. The ideas must meet paper. This fall they will, I hope.

A conversation last night with the other half. He sees something in me, and I see something in him: what we’re each capable of, that potential. Could we trade that faith, one for the other? Imagine the confidence, if I had his, and he had mine.

6 thoughts on “Where I Am When Summer Ends

  1. The end of summer always has this magical feeling for me – like something is ending (which, obviously, um, it is) but something new is going to start that is even better than what came before. A sense of anticipation…

  2. Nova:
    You sound like you work so hard. What is your job and is it full-time? And then you have freelance deadlines on top of that? And then you try to fit in writing for yourself on top of that? How do you do it? Tiv

  3. the individual voice: yes, I was way too ambitious thinking I could fit this all in. I work full-time for a book publishing company and do freelance work-for-hire writing for young adults and kids on the side. I also do freelance copyediting, but I’ve tried to stop that. Since the spring I’ve written (or am in the process of writing) five or six books as a freelance writer, published under a few different pseudonyms. I’m tired. But worse is that I’ve let all of this get in the way of my real writing. I’ve needed the money, but I don’t think it’s worth it anymore.
    … Oh, related to that, I saw one of “my” books for sale in the supermarket yesterday. I was excited, and then ashamed of being excited. Then it just felt weird.

  4. Eeh, this is such a coincidence. I’m getting a filling replaced too! I asked the dentist if I could put it off for six months but she said no because it was leaking! Yuck! So I’m getting that done next week. Great. I tried to work out how long that filling had been in and it must be over 20 years. How can something last that long?!

    I know I don’t “know” you or anything but I do really believe that you’re going to succeed (not that you’re not already of course!!)

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