Don’t Wanna Get Up?

Here are my Tried-and-True Tips for How to Wake Yourself Up When It’s Saturday Morning and You’re Drifting on the Couch and the Clock is Ticking and You Have Just Two Days to Write and Sleep Is Not an Option:

  • Keep a lamp on, shining down directly in your face; it’s extremely uncomfortable, and hot in the summer.
  • Set an alarm in the bedroom, an alarm in the living room, and a cell phone alarm wherever you left the thing and hope you didn’t have it on silent or else you won’t hear it anyway.
  • Leave a hard-backed book on the couch, wedged in under your hip, and don’t dare knock it to the floor to let yourself get comfortable.
  • Picture your morning coffee—mine is chocolate-flavored, but choose whatever flavor you want—and try to taste it filling up your mouth, running down your throat—what? That makes you start to choke? Good. Then maybe you’ll sit up.
  • Make yourself feel dirty (um, literally, like with mud or spilled pea soup all over you, stuck in your hair, seeping into your ears and between your toes). Grossed out? Perfect! If you feel disgusting enough you might force yourself up to get in the shower.
  • If you start to dream, use all your strength to insert awful and horrible images that make you want to desperately wake up and stop dreaming: images such as the ENORMOUS cockroach you accidentally, in a panic, crushed on the street while running from it (I must have good aim); scary movies; scary politicians; raw meat.
  • Proceed with half-asleep guilt trips that make you feel like a big nothing. “You will never make it as a writer if you don’t get up off this couch right this minute, loser” can work, but only if you don’t know you’re bluffing and only if you don’t depress yourself too much and start to cry.
  • Move one leg to the floor so you are half on the couch, half off; it might take a while, but at some point you will slip off the couch and will fall to the floor below. It could hurt, but the impact should wake you up (as well as your downstairs neighbors, but maybe they need to get up to write too?).
  • Gathering up all your strength and every ounce of faith you have inside you, pray… for a telemarketer to call.
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6 thoughts on “Don’t Wanna Get Up?

  1. ilovemint June 21, 2008 / 11:04 am

    Sleep is (unfortunately) one of my favourite things in the world, and the most difficult, arduous task for me is getting up early in the morning; so all I manage to get written down in a week amounts to a quite a meager amount.

    In desperate attempts to curb my weakness, I’d splash my face with cold water as soon as I’d be up, but that didn’t prevent me dozing off on the keyboard every time.

    Ah well…I suppose these tips could come in handy. By the way, tip number six actually works for me. I’d keep drifting into these dreams about eating the tastiest bar of chocolate whilst perched on a fluffy cloud or something, and suddenly I found myself willing the bar errupt into greasy worms…eurgh, I’d wake with a start 😉 Still gives me the creep sometimes though.
    Anyway, thanks for the tips!

  2. lalber June 21, 2008 / 2:36 pm

    That is too funny! I think it’s pretty good that you make it from the bed to the couch. Of course, horizontal is horizontal, doesn’t matter what room we’re procrastinating in…

    If the couch is your number #1 procrastination spot, maybe try staying in bed! Counterintuitive? Perhaps. When you wake up, purposefully don’t get out of bed. Maybe lay there until the anxiety gets so bad that it pitches you right out of bed, past the couch, and straight to the computer.

    On many a morning the self-propelling anxiety has saved my arse…

  3. weltschmerz June 21, 2008 / 8:15 pm

    I have a suggestion!
    Keep a giant pile of dirty laundry beside your bed like we seem to be doing. I keep trying to lounge around in the bed in the morning, but that pile’s just growing ever taller. It’s a tower, really. I can’t fall back to sleep because it bothers me too much. OK, maybe this is too Yojo-centric and bedroom centric. Hrm.

  4. Andi June 22, 2008 / 7:38 am

    LOL, the telemarketers depend on moments of weakness like these.

  5. w June 22, 2008 / 11:22 am

    We’re in sync. I had the same exact Saturday morning (and evening and Sunday morning…)

  6. courtney June 22, 2008 / 2:07 pm

    Picture your morning coffee—mine is chocolate-flavored, but choose whatever flavor you want—and try to taste it filling up your mouth, running down your throat—what? That makes you start to choke? Good. Then maybe you’ll sit up.

    !!!
    I am still cracking up so hard over that one. Aahahahaha.

    Although I sympathize. Saturday mornings can just be that way, can’t they.

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