In preparing for a formal event, it is very wise to assume you still have those old “black shoes with the straps” somewhere in your bedroom, probably under the loft where it looks like a bomb has gone off because you’re constantly in the midst of “organizing” or “purging” or getting ready to start “packing” so you can “move,” and decide no worries, the shoes must be there, you can wait to look for them.

I have spent an hour looking for the shoes and am resting now. I will now calmly look everywhere I haven’t—living room closet, kitchen cabinets, stray corners, on top of the fridge—and then I will calmly take stock of my shoe situation, which oddly does not include a normal pair of black dress shoes to wear in cold weather (EXCEPT FOR THE ONES WITH THE STRAPS!) and I will love myself for not having done this a day sooner, seeing as the wedding is, oh you know, TODAY.

At least my sister picked me out a dress. (On Black Friday night, at Macy’s, no less. She’s talented.)

Am I like this with writing deadlines too? Don’t answer that.