A More Honest Author Bio

I happened to see this post called “The Big Fat Lie of the Author Bio”—hysterical.

Even though I have no golden retrievers, my own author bio might make me sound at least somewhat professional, and hopefully productive, but it really says nothing about me, does it?

So let’s be honest here. Here’s a new bio:

Nova can often be found obsessively rereading her sentences, distracting herself with the shiny internet, and trying not to go out for ice cream. She enjoys sitting in front of the television, on the floor, eating baby tomatoes, and currently owes the library $5.35  in fines. She lives in a shoebox apartment surrounded by clutter circa 1997 with her husband, who wishes she’d decide what she wants for dinner. She has no kids or pets but one plant, which she will likely kill within the month. She spends an inordinate amount of time writing novels and should probably find a hobby or go outside and get some sun or something.

What’s your honest author bio?

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15 responses to “A More Honest Author Bio”

  1. Too funny! Let’s see… Jessica Leader lives in marvel of the fact that she can accumulate so many dishes in a day and has just bought Mad Men Season 3, which she’d much rather watch than work on either of her two writing projects. Most weeks, she bans sweets from her house because she has no self-discipline when it comes to sugar, then can be found sticking raisins into peanut butter in the hopes that it will satisfy.


  2. Oh jeebus! Mine would read: Christine works at a dining room table surrounded by piles of teaching materials and student papers that need constant grading and she writes with a needy geriatric wiener dog who smells like fritos on her lap and another needy wiener dog who is up to no good somewhere in the kitchen. She dotes on her husband who dotes on her and together they get through her sporadic writing self esteem troughs that sometimes attack daily and sometimes leave her alone for weeks. She should be running and exercising, but instead she is baking cookies and eating them. By herself. In front of her laptop. Trying to revise her novel. She is very pale.


    • Jody hasn’t cleaned the toilets or washed the sheets in weeks. She didn’t know until recently that you were supposed to clean out the coffee pot occasionally. Her children once told her that her defining word is “distracted.” But they put up with her because she serves them meals. Jody can be found squinting at her computer for ten hours a day. Sometimes laughing out loud. She vacillates between supreme arrogance at her brilliance and crippling depression that her writing is worthless. She probably drinks to much too.


  3. You’re fine avoiding the sun. It only gives you cancer.

    Mine would read: Brad spends his day digging holes in the backyard and attempting to gain an agent and drive traffic to his website.

    These are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

    Clearly, he is single.


  4. I love this. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

    Jordyn can be found in her messy bedroom, obsessing over that one scene that she’s rewritten ten times so far today. She has wonderful parents and a beautiful younger sister who thinks she spends far too much time writing. She hates school, sleeps too late and then feels guilty about it, and loves television more than she should. Also she doesn’t dress very well, her best friends live on the internet, and she thinks her characters are real.


  5. I love this. I’d have to say something like: Sarah Jamila Stevenson, who is now questioning the decision to use her entire full name on her books, spends several hours a day trying to chase down her good intentions and do what she’s supposed to be doing, but instead she ends up doing lots of tweeting and blog reading and e-mail and giving attention to the 2 cats and cleaning up after them and her loving husband. She uses cooking as an excuse to procrastinate and drink wine. Most of her writing time is spent on tedious and mind-numbing articles of an educational nature meant to help shill for-profit education, which she feels mildly dubious about from an ethical standpoint, but she really needs the dough. Her first novel will be released this January, and she suffers from the recurring fear that everybody will think it’s lame. Her house really, really needs to be vacuumed.


  6. Bryan spends a lot of time pretending to be various bands in his car. He makes jokes nobody gets. He is a fan of irony. He works at a church. This is not the type of irony he enjoys. He writes. He is currently studying to be a ninja and a break dancer. He also lies two out of three times. He lives in Oregon with his wife and loud kids. He one day hopes to never have to work again.


    • Joelle Anthony does most of her writing at her treadmill desk and at the end of the day, she tweets how many pages she’s revised/written and how far she walked. She neglects to say that at least a third of the time spent walking on the treadmill happens while she’s avoiding work by tweeting.

      While she is a Buddhist and they are known for doing one thing at a time, she’s having trouble with this bio because the Astros just hit a grand slam, leaving the Cubbies in the dust (AGAIN).

      She also (possibly erroneously) believes tortilla chips are health food when served with guacamole, doughnuts fuel creativity, and when she tweets with Bryan and Nova, her agent cannot see they are goofing off if they use the hashtag #MichaelBourretDontLook


  7. So fun!


    Bri,anna oh please call her Bri, drinks chai lattes and tries to think of plausible reasons why unicorns could be real. She’s fond of saying “This one time in The Baby-Sitters Club..” in the middle of most sentences, and would be proud to name her daughter Claudia. She watches way too much Law and Order: SVU but will go down with that sinking ship. She is a somewhat competent barista. She is surrounded by books she’s never read, and often plays the same song over and over while dissecting a sentence (usually about herself) fifteen times before keeping it. She lives in Florida but dreams of an elsewhere. Any elsewhere.


  8. I wanna play!

    Mike Jung is pretty much always pissed off at his deaf, belligerent, retired upstairs neighbor, who insists on bellowing angrily at his equally deaf wife all day long. The theory is that Mike writes MG fiction about stuff like superheroes and Frankenstein, but he spends a lot of that writing time farting around on Twitter, Facebook and Verla Kay’s Blueboards, doing silly crap like pretending to be some kind of galactic emperor. He miraculously bamboozled someone into marrying him and raising a family, which at least ensures there’s somebody in the house who isn’t a ranting, delusional basket case. But yo, Mike has an agent now, so it’s all good, eh?


  9. I love it! Here’s mine: Kate is 28 but mostly behaves like a silly sixteen-year-old. She spends far too much time writing songs for her cat and has a secret crush on Bruce Springsteen. Every morning, when it’s time to shower and go to her day job, she says (in the mode of Can’t Touch This): “Stop! Shower time”. Her husband wishes she would organise the cupboards, stop buying books, not obsessively rub her tummy every time she stands up, put the mail somewhere sensible and stop putting smelly things around the house. She goes to bed at 9:30 pm like an old person and cannot form coherent sentences after 8:30. She writes because she’s good at literally nothing else. She can’t whistle, click her fingers, wink, ride a bike, drive a car, do the splits or sing in tune. If she couldn’t write she would, literally, turn to mush.


  10. Micol Ostow rarely gets out of bed within 30 minutes of when the alarm goes off. She also naps so often she might be clinically narcoleptic. Other gluttonous habits include overindulging in snack foods, and a serious manicure addiction. She spends a small portion of her days writing, and much of the remaining hours feeling guilty that she didn’t write more. If her to-be-read pile were to topple, it would crush her in her sleep.

    Micol lives and works in the West Village, where she drinks wine on her patio and peers shamelessly into the windows of the neighboring townhouses. She walks the dog past the Cosby house and the Friends building when the weather permits. It took her nearly four years to realize that she can see the Empire State building out the window when she is sitting at her desk. Because as a writer, she is just that observant.

    Micol lives with her husband, a science-geek-creative-type who is not amused by her inability to work the cable system.


  11. What fun, Nova! And for me:

    Kristin Tubb (who is known by some as Kristi, depending on when in life you met her), writes books with a lot of facts in them. This allows her buy other books unabashedly, all in the name of research. In fact, just about everything Kristi(n) does with her spare time revolves around books, and subsequently, she squints a lot. Subsequently from that, Kristi(n) buys lots of eye cream and is a sucker for anything in sleek packaging. She has two children who challenge her daily. Luckily, they also remind her daily what blessings are made of. Kristi(n)’s husband is a saint in salesman’s clothing who offers support in the forms of cheerleading and health insurance. Kristi(n)’s next book is based on the zodiac, and she sheepishly admits that she epitomizes Aquarius. Lucky for her that saint of a husband is a Pisces.


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